Channah puts me to shame.
I am sitting her watching her daven shacharit- something I stopped doing many years ago. Not because we make her. It is now chofesh Hagadol (summer break) and she WANTS to do it every morning. All of the Tefillah that she knows, with tehillim, with all the kavanah she can muster.
Me, I have so much to ask for and feel like I never want to speak to God again. I am not even sure he exists let alone that he is listening.
I would never break my daughters spirit by telling her I don't believe, but I can not believe that any God would be so cruel as to send me everything he has sent this past year- and continues to send.
may she alwasy bring you much nachas and may you be comforted with all the brochos you have
ReplyDeleteLet me just tell you a litlte bit from my own experience...
ReplyDeleteWhat I went through this year is a total blip on a screen compared to the Hell you went through.
However, since Mendy was diagnosed with ASD it also got very hard to believe. I was like, G-d, what's this cruel joke? giving me a miracle baby and then pulling out the rug from our feet by taking away his skills and throwing us into this strange place called Holland?
For a year I could not talk to Him at all. I had been delivered a huge blow - it was like, "Okay dad, so you just gave me the spanking of the century, why should I still talk to you... I dont want to talk to you. I dotn want to ask you for anything, dont want any relationship with you at all." and I gave Him the cold shoulder.
You know what? it took a year. a full year of anger and bitterness. and now slowly, every so slowly and cautiously I'm willing to talk to Him - even if it's just complaining and accusing Him of wronging me and Mendy and our family. It's starting with complaining, then it'll turn into asking, and at some point it'll turn into praise. I'm taking it slow.
So - dont feel bad at all for your anger right now. or your disinterest. It's normal. You didnt turn your back on Him; youre still obeying basic Jewish laws and youre running a religious Jewish home. The feeling will come back some day. I promise you bli neder that it will. It will heal at some point. Dont push it. A damaged relationship needs time to heal.
It's very hard to continue having a relationship with someone when you feel so punished, for no reason, when you feel so slapped in the face. It takes a long, long time to rekindle any sort of relationship when something so incredibly horrendous happens.
So- hugs and comfort from humble ol' me, even though my story is not your story; but the underlying bitterness/anger/feeling cheated and hurt is something I can relate to in my own kind of way.
I hope this helped and didnt hurt!
- Mindy